You were born. You cried. And just like that, your life’s hourglass flipped over. The sand started falling — tick tock, baby! And every single minute since? One more step closer to that wooden box, six feet under, with your name engraved on a shiny little plaque that says “He really tried.”
But here’s the twist: You can’t stop the countdown, but you can definitely vibe through it.
Let’s Face It: We’re All Dying, One WiFi Buffer at a Time
You know what’s funny? Not death itself, but the fact that you’re dying slowly while arguing with your mum about turning off the TV from the switch. You’re out here using Google Maps to get to your own estate, and somewhere in the universe, Death is like, “I’ll give this one 40 more years just for entertainment.”
But think about it. Every second, your cells are aging. Your bones are negotiating with gravity. Your brain? Already forgot where it put the keys. But somehow, you still have time to argue online with strangers about why pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza.
YOLO Wasn’t Just a Trend. It Was a Warning.
You Only Live Once. And some of you wasted it debating with customer care for two hours because your 250MB bundles disappeared in 10 minutes.
Let’s be honest. Life is weird:
- One day you’re in diapers.
- The next, you’re paying taxes and wondering if sugar was always this expensive.
- Then suddenly, you’re thinking about buying curtains on purpose.
- Eventually, you’re reading the obituary section “just to see.”
What a plot twist.
Signs You’re Aging Like a Rotten Avocado
Look out for these:
- You start calling young people “these Gen Zs.”
- You lower the volume to concentrate while reversing.
- You bend down and wonder if it’s worth picking the thing up.
- You drink tea not for taste, but to calm your existential panic.
- You get excited about new sponges.
- You start Googling things like “how to prevent back pain when sneezing.”
But no worries. The older you get, the more excuses you earn. Forget a birthday? You’re “forgetful with age.” Miss a meeting? “Old bones need rest.” It’s the circle of life… with benefits!
Death Doesn’t Text, But It’s Always Online
You’ll never know the exact moment it happens. Maybe it’s in the matatu when the conductor refuses to give you change. Maybe while watching a YouTube ad that’s 3 minutes long and can’t be skipped. Or perhaps while waiting in line at Huduma Centre, where time and hope go to die.
But since we don’t know when our last breath will come, why not laugh between gasps?
Some Questions We All Have But Are Too Afraid to Ask
- When we die, do we still owe Safaricom?
- Can I choose my funeral playlist?
- Is there WiFi in the afterlife? Asking for a friend.
- What if Judgment Day runs on KRA’s eCitizen portal?
- Why do people say “rest in peace” when they never let you rest while you were alive?
These are serious concerns.
10 Hilariously Pointless Things We Do While Dying Slowly
- Scroll for 3 hours to find a movie, then sleep.
- Add things to cart and never checkout.
- Hold grudges like it’s a sport.
- Argue with our parents knowing they’ll win.
- Start gym in January, quit in February.
- Save motivational quotes and never apply them.
- Eat salad for one meal then reward ourselves with cake.
- Use Google to self-diagnose ourselves into a panic.
- Avoid talking to our crush because “what if they say no?”
- Read articles about death… like this one.
And still, every minute ticks by — step… step… step… closer to that ultimate log-out.
How to Enjoy the Ride to the Grave
If life is a bus heading to Deathville, you might as well choose the window seat and vibe:
- Laugh daily. Even if it’s just at yourself.
- Dance terribly. Especially when no one’s watching.
- Say what you feel. Or you’ll die with a full heart and unspoken tweets.
- Forgive quickly. Life’s too short to be salty.
- Take photos. Your future ghost will want memories too.
- Eat that ice cream. Let your intestines complain later.
And above all, never take yourself too seriously. Even the rich and powerful eventually turn into compost.
In Conclusion, Live Loud, Die Funny
Yes, every minute is a step toward death. But maybe… that’s what makes life beautiful. It’s short, unpredictable, and filled with potholes (literal and metaphorical). So why not scream, laugh, love, and eat street food even when it’s suspicious?
Don’t fear the end. Fear not living fully before it.
So laugh until you cry, dance until you’re out of breath, and post memes until your grandchildren wonder what kind of ancestor you were.
Because when your time comes and people gather around your grave, may they say: “This one lived. And oh — did they laugh!”
